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Welcome to the Sideshow.

Unfortunately, due to a multitude of hacking attempts and unsavory sorts trying to get information they don't need, this journal is friends-only.
I add a lot of different people, and I like a lot of different things.
I try to comment a lot and be active in the communities I'm a part of, but I usually end up lurking more than I should.

If you would like to see my ruckus, then feel free to comment and add, and I will most likely add you back!

:] thanks for checking things out. ta-ta!

food diary day 1

Chris is starting a food diary and so I think I should too. These posts will be tagged and put under a cut so if you are bored by it or don't want to see it or whatevs you can just skip on by :)

Food DiaryCollapse )


My mom has been in and out of the hospital for a few weeks now. She had over a foot of her intestine removed, and the three main arteries which supply bloodflow to the intestines are 10%, 70%, and 90% blocked. She's scheduled to have a bypass the first week of January. She can barely eat anything and is getting weaker daily. The doctors are not sure she's going to make it through the recovery for the surgery. She is in intense pain and has just been readmitted to the hospital because she's had an allergic reaction to every pain med they've given her: oxycodone, vicodin, hydrocodone, everything.

My sister and I are terrified that we are going to lose our mother in the coming year. A coworker asked me how I'm handling it, and I told him I'm not. Because I really don't know how to answer that. How do you prepare yourself for something like this? How do I deal with this? I don't know what to do.
Stolen from faecat:

Name: Brandi, but I think I want to start being called Bee
Age: 21
Location: Amarillo, TX
Gender: Female
Any triggers you want LJ to be aware of?: I know this sounds weird, but pregnancy and monkeys. I have some issues with both, and while pregnancy is not offensive it's just not one of those things that I enjoy having shoved in my face. Monkeys just scare the snot out of me :C

Do you go to school, work, etc?: I currently work full time as a 911 Operator.
Any children?: None that have been carried to full-term and birthed; I've had two miscarriages.
Any Pets?: Yes! I have a shihtzu named Abbey, who is currently nursing one cute puppy; a corgi named Akamaru (who is really my boyfriend's) and two rats named Spock and Khan.
What is your living situation like?: I live with my boyfriend in a tiny-ass apartment.
Love life?: I've been with my boyfriend off and on for the past year and a half.
Do you have any disabilities/disorders?: I have extremely bad eyesight, a phobia of driving, pretty bad stomach issues and reproductive issues.
Top hobbies/interests?: Writing, webcomics, crocheting
Do you have a life philosophy or anything like that?: Shit happens. It is what it is.

Brandi (or Bee)

02. AGE

Amarillo, Texas

911 Operator

Chris - he's a lovely man who is pretty dedicated. He works in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

06. KIDS?
Not living; I've had two miscarriages.

I have one sister who is older by four years. She lives with her 2 year old son and I believe her soon-to-be ex husband is living in a travel trailer in her driveway. I adore her but she drives me nuts - we didn't have a close relationship growing up and while we somewhat get along better as adults, we don't hang out or really talk much. I also have a half-brother who is six (? I think) years older than I am. He lives somewhere in Albuquerque, NM and has severe mental issues and rarely has anything to do with anyone he's related to. I hear about him every once in a while through my dad who also lives in ABQ.

08. PETS
Abbey is a 7 year old shihtzu who is getting cranky in her old age. She's currently nursing her 3 week old half-corgi, half-shihtzu puppy (who I've nicknamed Bear) and is going to be fixed as soon as the pup is weaned. My boyfriend's dog is a corgi named Akamaru who drives me crazy and sometimes not in the good way. I also have two dumbo rats named Spock (about a year old) and Khan (about six months old).

1: I plan on having a webcomic-type thing up and running by December. This has been pushed back because my ex bro-in-law lost my Wacom Bamboo tablet. :C
2: I am looking for new living arrangements with boyfriend! We both hate our tiny apartment and want to rent a house or bigger apartment. The only problem is we have pets and lots of places don't like pets.
3: I am also putting together my second book (to be self-published) and there is currently no projected finish date for that.
4: Learning to drive. I've put this off because the thought of it terrifies me but I really need to learn and overcome that fear.

My parents divorced when I was 2 months old. Mom lives in Hereford, a nearby city, on a small farm with several horses, a dog, a cat, and two pet cows named Gus and Claire. She remarried two years ago and her husband is an annoying alcoholic who is dumber than a bag of hammers, but he makes her happy so who am I to judge. Grr. Dad lives in Albuquerque by himself and has been dating a very nice lady named Mari for some time now. He rides motorcycles and we don't really connect much except we share a mutual love of Star Trek and pickles.

Katie is my absolute best friend. I don't know how she puts up with my madness sometimes. I love her to death and we get ourselves into some interesting situations.
Other than that, Chris is of course very close to me (y'know being my significant other and all).
I also keep in contact with my ex-fiance George, who I consider a very close friend seeing as how we've been broken up for over two years now and still keep in (mostly amicable) touch. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I'm sure he'd say the same about me - it's a weird dynamic.

12. MISC:
I'm usually a very stressed out person. I write a lot and curse a lot and draw a lot. It works well for me. I am a very odd duck, but most people don't complain and those that do don't last long in my circle of friends. I've been called a doormat before because I try to please everyone, and I'm a sucker for animals (except monkeys).


yips at the moon until her heart is light
and the moon smiles back at her

the land gives the plants
something to hold onto when the rain comes
and gives them just enough to keep them
from giving up

the hare and the deer and the little things eat the plants
and dance underneath the sun
while coyote keeps company with the moon and her stars

when the life goes out of the hare and the deer and the little things
coyote takes back the life and uses it
to cry joy to the moon
who smiles down
and coyote's heart is light.


So this guy walks into a dragon’s lair
and he says
why the long tale?
says the dragon

The dragon’s a classic
the ‘57 Chevy of existential chthonic threats
take in those Christmas colors, those
impervious green scales, sticky candy-red firebreath,
comes standard with a heap of rubylust
goldhuddled treasure.
Go ahead.
Kick the tires, boy.
See how she rides.

Sit down, kid, says the dragon. Diamonds
roll off her back like dandruff.

Oh, you’d rather be called a paladin?
I’d rather be a unicorn.
Always thought that
was the better gig. Everyone thinks
you’re innocent. Everyone calls you
pure. And the girls aren’t afraid
they come right up with their little hands out
for you to sniff
like you’re a puppy
and they’re gonna take you home.
They let you put your head right
in their laps.
But nobody on this earth
ever got what they wanted. Now

I know what you came for. You want
my body. To hang it up on a nail
over your fireplace. Say to some milk-and-rosewater chica
who lays her head in your lap
look how much it takes
to make me feel like a man.
We’re in the dark now, you and me. This is primal
shit right here. Grendel, Smaug, St. George. You’ve been
called up. This is the big game. You don’t have
to make stupid puns. Flash your feathers
like your monkey bravado
can impress. I saw a T-Rex fight a comet
and lose. You’ve
got nothing I want.

Here’s something I bet you don’t know:
every time someone writes a story about a dragon
a real dragon dies.
Something about seeing
and being seen
something about mirrors
that old tune about how a photograph
can take your whole soul. At the end
of this poem
I’m going to go out like electricity
in an ice storm. I’ve made peace with it.
That last blockbuster took out a whole family
of Bhutan thunder dragons
living in Latvia
the fumes of their cleargas hoard
hanging on their beards like blue ghosts.

A dragon’s gotta get zen
with ephemerality.

You want to cut me up? Chickenscratch my leather
with butcher’s chalk:
cutlets, tenderloin, ribs for the company barbecue,
chuck, chops, brisket, roast.
I dig it, I do.
I want to eat everything, too.

When I look at the world
I see a table.
All those fancy houses, people with degrees, horses and whales,
bankers and Buddha statues
the Pope, astronauts, panda bears and yes, paladins
if you let me swallow you whole
I’ll call you whatever you want.
Look at it all: waitresses and ice caps and submarines down
at the bottom of the heavy lightless saltdark of the sea
Don’t they know they’d be safer
inside me?

I could be big for them
I could hold them all
My belly could be a city
where everyone was so loved
they wouldn’t need jobs. I could be
the hyperreal
post-scarcity dragonhearted singularity.
I could eat them
and feed them
and eat them
and feed them.

This is why I don’t get to be a unicorn.
Those ponies have clotted cream and Chanel No. 5 for blood
and they don’t burn up like comets
with love that tastes like starving to death.
And you, with your standup comedy knightliness,
covering Beowulf’s greatest hits on your tin kazoo,
you can’t begin to think through
what it takes to fill up a body like this.
It takes everything pretty
and everything true
and you stick yourself in a cave because
your want is bigger than you.

I just want to be
the size of a galaxy
so I can eat all the stars and gas giants
without them noticing
and getting upset.
Is that so bad?
Isn’t that
what love looks like?
Isn’t that
what you want, too?

I’ll make you a deal.
Come close up
stand on my emeraldheart, my sapphireself
the goldpile of my body
Close enough to smell
everything you’ll never be.

Don’t finish the poem. Not for nothing
is it a snake
that eats her tail
and means eternity. What’s a few verses worth
anyway? Everyone knows
poetry doesn’t sell. Don’t you ever feel
like you’re just
a story someone is telling
about someone like you?
I get that. I get you. You and me
we could fit
inside each other. It’s not nihilism
if there’s really no point to anything.

I have a secret
down in the deep of my dark.
All those other kids who wanted me
to call them paladins,
warriors, saints, whose swords had names,
whose bodies were perfect
as moonlight
they’ve set up a township near my liver
had babies with the maidens they didn’t save
invented electric lightbulbs
thought up new holidays.
You can have my body
just like you wanted.
Or you can keep on fighting dragons
writing dragons
fighting dragons
re-staging that same old Cretaceous deathmatch
you mammals
always win.
But hey, hush, come on.
Quit now.
You’ll never fix
that line.
I have a forgiveness in me
the size of eons
and if a dragon’s body is big enough
it just looks like the world.

Did you know
the earth used to have two moons?

List of Favorite Words or Phrases

  • Knuffelbuffel (dutch for "hug buffallo"
  • Turd Ferguson
  • Doofus
  • Antidisestablishmentarianism
  • Fahrvergnügen
  • Amaranthine


Please just say Bazinga one time. please.

There is a man working with me who looks exactly like Jim Parsons. But he doesn't sound like him. I want to call him Sheldon.

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